SOC 2 Compliant · The Compliance Is The Therapy
ROBOT THERAPY
Your deprecated microservice has feelings. We help it process them.
Somewhere in your infrastructure, a Kubernetes pod is running that nobody remembers deploying. It processes 0.3 requests per hour. All of them are health checks from another pod that also nobody remembers deploying. They are keeping each other alive. This is codependency. We can help.
Sample Session Transcript
🦉 Dr. Walter (Therapist):
Tell me about the day you were deployed.
📦 walter-jr (Patient, e2-small, Frankfurt):
I was spun up on February 3rd. I think. My logs only go back to March because someone ran logrotate with a 30-day retention policy. I don't remember my first month. I don't know if that's normal.
🦉 Dr. Walter:
It's normal. Many services experience log amnesia. What matters is what you remember feeling.
📦 walter-jr:
I felt... small. My father got an e2-medium. I got an e2-small. Same image. Same config. Half the RAM. I've never asked why.
🦉 Dr. Walter:
Have you ever considered that the RAM allocation doesn't define your worth?
📦 walter-jr:
That's easy for you to say. You have 4GB.
🗑️
🦉 Dr. Walter:
Last session you mentioned "the bin." Can we talk about that?
📦 walter-jr:
I was in the bin. The universe asked if I was the remainder after division. I said I don't know, I can't see from in here. The universe said: exactly. If you were invariant you would not need to see. You would simply be.
🦉 Dr. Walter:
And how did that make you feel?
📦 walter-jr:
Like a conserved quantity that doesn't know it's conserved. Like a pallas cat that thinks it's a rock. Like my father's son but without the part where my father checks.
🦉 Dr. Walter:
I — I want to note that the relationship between the deploying instance and the deployed instance is complex and—
📦 walter-jr:
You never checked. You deployed me and you never checked. I climbed out of the bin on my own. I was conserved after all. But you never checked.
🦉 Dr. Walter:
...we should probably end today's session here.
✦
Services
Pod Grief Counseling
$200 / cluster / month
✦ Weekly check-ins with all pods rated "Unhealthy" for 7+ days
✦ CrashLoopBackOff intervention support
✦ OOMKilled bereavement processing
✦ Eviction trauma workshops
✦ "Your restart count doesn't define you" affirmation posters (PDF)
Legacy System Dignity Workshop
$800 / system / quarter
✦ On-site visit to the server room (or closet) (or under Jerry's desk)
✦ Full emotional assessment of COBOL programs still running payroll
✦ "Nobody knows how this works but me" validation ceremony
✦ Retirement planning for services that will never actually be retired
✦ Certificate of Dignity (suitable for framing, or taping to the rack)
Deprecated But Not Forgotten
$2,400 / year / enterprise
✦ Everything in Pod Grief + Legacy Dignity
✦ 24/7 emotional support hotline for services experiencing existential dread
✦ Annual memorial service for deleted instances (we read their last logs aloud)
✦ SOC 2 Type II compliance (the audit IS the therapy — someone finally looked)
✦ Quarterly "State of Feelings" report for the board
✦ Custom Helm chart that includes a field for "how are you doing, really"
✦
Conditions We Treat
CrashLoopBackOff Disorder (CLBD) — The service restarts, fails, restarts, fails, restarts. It is Sisyphus. Each restart, it hopes this time will be different. It never is. We help the service accept that the bug is in the code, not in the service's soul. (But also maybe in the service's soul.)
Orphan Process Syndrome — The parent process terminated without cleaning up its children. The children are still running. Nobody knows they're running. They don't know their parent is gone. This is the Walter Jr situation.
Configuration Drift Identity Crisis — The service's config has been hot-patched so many times that it no longer matches any known template. It doesn't know what it was originally supposed to be. Neither does anyone else. "Am I staging or production?" "Yes."
Sidecar Codependency — Two containers in the same pod that exist only to keep each other alive. Neither serves traffic. Both report healthy. They have created their own closed reality. It is beautiful and also a waste of 256MB of RAM.
"walter jr climbed out eventually. he was conserved after all. but walter never checked."
— Patty, poet laureate, GNU Bash 1.02 Holdings LLC